And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
