your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
