We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
