I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
