Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I think I just sharted jello shots
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