my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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