I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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