I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
