We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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