oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
