I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just pynch a tree in the face
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
