Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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