ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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