So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
