Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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