She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I deserve to be covered in dicks
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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