i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
