She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
