I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
