I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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