You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
