dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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