well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
