I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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