she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize