This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
