I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
