11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
