just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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