In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
