My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
