Your dad touched me again.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
