Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
