I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
