you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
