Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
