woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
