My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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