i always forget guys have bellybuttons
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
