went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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