I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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