You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize