battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
