a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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