I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
