i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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