I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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