The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
