Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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