I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Of course I have a pirate flag
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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