i barfeds in our rink
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He did a backflip because drugs
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
