So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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