Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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