I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
