there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
