how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
