Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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