all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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