The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
