ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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