Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
