Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
