his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize