Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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