my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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