Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
