Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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