Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I didn't shave. On purpose
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Randomize
